If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
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