What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
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