What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam