I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
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