Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
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