I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
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