Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
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