The sun is just a big space heater.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
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