I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
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