My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."