Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
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