You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.