Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.