Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
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