This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
All farts...are laughing gas.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
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