Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.