Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
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