I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.