I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.