My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.