Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.