Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
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