You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
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