The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
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