My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
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