How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
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