What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
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