When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
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