Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
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