Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
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