Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
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