A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Go to BabaMail
