What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
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