Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
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