Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
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