Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
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