My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
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