I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
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