My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
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