Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
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