What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
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