Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Go to BabaMail
