I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
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