I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.