Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.