A blind man is unafraid to travel and experience new things around the world. Eventually, his travels take him to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is huge!”
“EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!” says the bellhop cheerfully.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are enormous!”
The bartender disclaims: “EVERYTHING is big in Texas!”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and the poor guy falls right in.
The few swimmers there were shocked when a man suddenly popped his head up from under the water flailing his arms and screaming, “Don’t flush, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!”
A man comes to see an incredibly successful assassin who was known to charge $10,000 per bullet. "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" He asks him.
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
The assassin looks at the man, very serious. "I don't miss," he hisses.
"Okay, okay," says the man nervously. "Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife has been having an affair with my best friend for years! They're at their usual motel right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his penis off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks impatiently.
"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I might be able to save you $10k."
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
It's been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington D.C, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated.
Bewildered, since he hadn't heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down and then driving off.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!"
"Oh my gosh!" exclaimed John.
"And they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom."
"Jeez Louise!" moaned John.
"Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!"
"Lord have mercy!" cried John.
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" asked John.
"About a gallon."
After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself.
Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Ned decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Carl, so they loaded up Ned's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." Ned said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
About 2 years later, Ned got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Carl and asked, "Carl, that night at the barn, in that farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 2 years ago, do you remember it?"
"Sure I do." said Carl.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay the widow a visit at the house?"
"Well, um, yes..." Carl said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her a false name?"
Carl's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm really sorry, buddy. I panicked a bit and gave her your name, actually. Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm rich. She just died and left me everything."
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her.'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last one, a woman, was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,' he panted. 'I had to do it the hard way.'
After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, she took care of him in return, and eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else in the island.
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of clever little commodities, all done to make life easier.
One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed. "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say.
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him to try.
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"Sure," she said "anything!"
"Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore."
"Ok..."
"Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat."
"Wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"Oohh, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it."
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache."
"Ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit," he said a bit excited...
She started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was him?
Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "Man! you won't BELIEVE who I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.
He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.
"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out.
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation.
"So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:
"Is the second bag filled with money too?"
"Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there's no harm in it if she's there with him, after all.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink that?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Darn, Dave, looks like you picked an angry one tonight."
A DEA police officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. From the first second he had a bad attitude about him, annoyed he had to muddy his clean boots out in the country. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Alright, you can search the ranch, but do not go in that field over there."
The DEA officer, clearly angry, says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? DO you?!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me?!?" He shouts.
The rancher nods quietly, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, as he runs for all he's worth.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:
"Your badge... Show him your BADGE!!!"
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over.
“Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”
“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.
“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”
“That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”
“Da, Comrade General!” The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. He makes it out and crumples to the floor, dead from his many wounds.
“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” Laughs the Russian general.
The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”
He calls one of his men over.
“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”
Without hesitation, the American soldier salutes and says “No disrespect, General, but you've lost your darn mind if you think I'll do that, sir!"
“See?" Smiles the general, "Now THAT takes some guts!”
A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus.
Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn't sound so good to them, an environment with animals, that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents.
So the couple produce photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise - all that a child requires."
Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What ages were you looking to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon."
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce.
He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
A couple decide that they need a guard dog.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled
“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”
“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded
A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.
He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of - to no avail.
He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.
The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.
"I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."
Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.
That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.
Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. But what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: "How can I help you madam?"
She (Old Lady): "I would like to open a new account and deposit this money."
He: "How much money do you like to deposit?"
She: "$180,000 Please." (Started dumping the whole amount on his table)
The bank president was a bit surprised. "How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!"
She: "Oh, it's nothing illegal. I make bets."
He: "What kind of bets?"
She: "For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I'm right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I'll pay you $10,000!"
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he's a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: "Okay then, I'll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don't try to dodge the bet! No regrets!"
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn't even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn't sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: "Can I check your hands now Sir?"
He: "Yes. Go ahead."
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer's strange behavior.
Lawyer: "She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can't believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!"
George goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition.
Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."
George: "Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked.
“What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don't have any family but I really want to finish all the tv shows I'm watching."
Doctor: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"
George: "Yes."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "If I'll live longer, sure!"
Doctor: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?"
George: "Yes."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "If it allows me to live longer, sure."
Doctor: "Do you stay up late?"
George: "Most nights."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "Alright, done."
Doctor: "Do you have s*x often?"
George: "Yes. A lot."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "Well, I guess, if it means living longer."
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
George: "Yes."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "If it allows me to live longer, I will."
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
George: "Yes..."
Doctor: "Stop doing that."
George: "OK Doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?"
Doctor: "You'll still only live a week… but it will seem like a decade."
A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner.
“The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I'm super busy at work right now.”
The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing - on a tightrope! Can you imagine?”
“Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time."
The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha.
The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose.
“Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won't be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now, what the heck would YOU say?"
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know David, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
David thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps...
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the David notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, David isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, David misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, David finally catches him this time and says, "Arquette! What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy lifts his head weakly and says, "No, the cord was fine. But David, tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed off about it.
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”
Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with.” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard, they think.
The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.
Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The boulder immediately splits in half.
“Oh no way. Forget about it.” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”
Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”
The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.
“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with
“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”
“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.
Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”
CRACK
Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. He gets up, in pain but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, good job, I guess. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”
The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
My wife comes in with a brand new bag, looked expensive.
Me: "Honey I see you got a new Gucci bag, where'd you get it?"
Wife: "My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings."
*next day wife comes home with new, fancy sunglasses.
Me: "Wow those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?"
Wife: "My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again."
*the 3rd day wife drives home in new Ferrari
Me: "Let me guess...you and your boss won the lottery again?"
Wife: "Yes!! Isn't our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me so I can relax?"
Me: "Anything for you, dear."
*Wife comes up to see the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water.
Wife: "Honey how is this gonna work... You need to fill it with way more water than this."
Me: "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet now do we?"
A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season.
"Godda**it," the hunter muttered.
Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air!
No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth.
As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden.
Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak.
"Whoa."
Then, from above him, a voice boomed:
”YOU'RE WELCOME."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.
Dumbfounded, she says, "Sir, I don't want to be nosy and feel free not to answer me... but thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. You don't seem to have any and you bought some other, seemingly random things. What gives?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this...
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because "it's sooooooo much cheaper". So, I figure if I have to roll my own - so does she."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, One guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Roger, 88, married Jenny, a beautiful 45-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 88-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door - it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already??"
A wife is having an affair with a young man, unbeknownst to her husband. The young man makes tremendous love, her husband couldn’t hold a candle to this young man’s abilities. His stamina is never-ending, he’s like a machine in bed. When the affair started the wife and the young man used to keep it strictly between the time her husband was at work but she longed for more.
Eventually they came up with a solution of making a hole on her side of the bed. This way he could make endless passionate love to her from underneath the bed even while her husband home. Things were going great until the wife couldn’t keep quiet during intercourse, constantly moaning.
“Aaaah, aah, aah.”
All the while her husband was lying right next to her. When her husband inquired about this sound, she said it was the air conditioner malfunctioning. The husband became extremely irritated at this sound and told his wife to smack the unit around to quiet it down, as the AC was on her side of the bed.
They continued this secret affair for a while before the husband had had enough of this broken AC and his wife’s refusal to try and fix it in the night. So the next night when they were about to go to bed, the husband lay down on the wife’s side of the bed, so he could try and fix the AC when it started malfunctioning again. The wife reluctantly agreed, she was sure the young man underneath the bed would realize what had happened and just remain still for tonight. She was awakened in the middle of the night from sounds coming from her husband's side of the room.
“Uhhhhh, uhhhh, uuuhhhh...”
Concerned she asked her profusely sweating husband, “Is everything alright?”
“It’s just this darn A/C unit.”
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded.
Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
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