I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
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