Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
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