Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?