Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
All farts...are laughing gas.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
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