Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"