Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
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