My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
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