What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
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