What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
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