Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
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