My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
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