As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
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