I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
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