The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
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