How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
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