So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.