What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
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