Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
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