I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
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