What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
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