I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
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