My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
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