What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Whatever floats your goat.
You knead me in your loaf.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
I always have a souper time with you.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
"There's no bunny like you."
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
We’ll have a ball.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
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