Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
The pint’s the limit.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Irish you luck.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
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