When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
I love you a tot!
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
I can sea clearly now.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
One more thyme.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Leaf me alone.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I yam what I yam.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
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