My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
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