A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
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