How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Football is one habit I will never kick
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
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