My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
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