I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
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