Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
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