Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
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