As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
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