My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
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