I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
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