I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
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