Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
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