I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
All farts...are laughing gas.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
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