I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
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