What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
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