A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
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