Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
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