Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”