I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Dialysis is a blood bath.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
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