Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
All farts...are laughing gas.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
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