Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
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