I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
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