I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
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