I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
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