I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
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